Esmond's Theorem

Esmond's Theorem is the written ideology governing the human psyche on laws of physical and emotional interdependency based on the inconclusive research of a 21st century revolutionary, Esmond Fish. This essay seeks to define Esmond's Theorem and to delve into its intricacies.

Esmond's Theorem states that all else being equal, an individual's attraction towards another individual is never unique; that is to say the coupling of two human beings is always frivolous and fleeting. The theorem therefore suggests that it would be impossible for longevity in any relationship that followed the conventional rules of dating and falling in love. Frustrated with this impermanence of relationships, Fish devised an austere system to judge their time-worthiness. He firmly believes that this system would create abundant economic and social gains, if followed strictly, by saving the human populace from immeasurable manhours lost and emotional distress that results from such impermanence.

This system is, simply put, a checklist of the critical ills that he theorized terminally plagued current social pairings. Below is the breakdown of its criterion:

1. Does the party involved engage in unecessary nocturnal activities that include loud music, short skirts, raging hormones and "jiggy jiggy"?

2. Does the party involved apply artificial substances to their visage in an act of superficiality?

3. Does the party involved wear inappropriate attire that bares more than their neckline?

4. Does the party involved profligately consume more than is required of a spartan lifestyle?

5. Has the party involved so much as let slip a straying eye on anyone remotely considered a mate-able option other than yourself?

6. Has the party involved ever mentioned any words that relate to the word "automobile"?

If the answer is "yes" or "probably" to any 1 of the questions, the relationship warrants an immediate failure.

Fish also denounced the notion of falling in love as heretic, and instead he proposed a pragmatic approach to handling relationships. In his papers, he wrote that even after a particular pairing passed his litmus test, the individuals involved should still err on the side of caution and remain platonic, preferably taking years to get to understand each other better before committing to anything more. Talks of marriage shouldn't even come into mind anything less than a decade.

His controversial theorem drew public outrage, ranging from publishing houses to feminist movements to plain old loving citizens. Fish argued in defence that the world just was not ready to get out of their comfort zones and blamed them for their cowardice in challenging the inertia of an outdated old-school thinking. His indignation and supposed reasoning did lead to some closet die-hard fanatics, but no one is sure of their numbers, as they face ostracism should they come out in the open.

Only time can tell how many are putting this radical theory into practice and succeed. And that will be a very long time indeed.